This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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