A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
