I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
