Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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