It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
