At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
