brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
