I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
