I can tuck mytits in my pants
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
