Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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