I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
