please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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