i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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