I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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