What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
