why im i the only drunk person in the library?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize