I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
