I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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