Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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