I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
