I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize