The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
