When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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