I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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