His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
