I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
