help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
