I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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