Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
