it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Randomize