Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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