life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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