This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
did i just pee glitter
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
