In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
