Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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