you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
