Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
