ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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