I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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