im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
