if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this boner is exhausting
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
