I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
