I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
