my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
