She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
