saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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