Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize