I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
