; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't deserve a penis
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
