My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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