"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize