Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
