How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
