sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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