I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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